I have spent almost the whole day sorting my things and keeping them at the right places while setting aside some to be given away.
While doing this tedious task, I was thinking about a couple of things.
One is the farewell teatime in Grand Kampar Hotel that my colleagues from the same department have planned for me. Personally, this place has a negative connotation for me. I remember that night in the hotel just hours after Anthony Bourdain ended his life by suicide. I hadn’t read the news. I was trying to participate in the relaxing discussion but no words could escape my tight mouth. My mind was racing with lots of illogical thoughts and my heart was hoping for a way to leave earlier. Upon reaching home, I drank and self harmed. It has been months and I guess this time will be different and better. I will be one of the guests to be the centre of attention, anyways.
While looking at my flowery garments, I sense some worries at the back of my mind. The flower bouquet with an unnamed gift card that I received for my birthday came in my mind. I remember what happened a few days after I received this mysterious surprise. It was in the afternoon when I hadn’t eaten much since morning. I felt very hungry but the waves of emotions in my heart were rolling intensely. I couldn’t keep them. Once I had rushed to the office on that non working day, I briskly ripped the gift card into pieces and took its together with the flower bouquet to a rubbish bin which was further away than the one nearest to my room. I threw it without hesitation. With just cloths and citrus enzyme cleaner, I used the strength of my arms to clean the whole floor area in my office room, not to mention all the surfaces of my tables, wooden cabinets, etc. My heart felt a great sense of relief after the clean up despite all the sweating. It felt as if my room had been salvaged from smears of wicked dirts. Regretfully, I “cleansed” myself by self harming.
For the same reason, I guess, I always make a U-turn to avoid that area. I try not to wind down my car window at that point. I choose not to visit the office anymore unless I really have to. I have blocked people on all social media platforms.
Maybe there are misunderstandings behind all these, but I feel more comfortable avoiding them. At least, I won’t self harm. I am trying to help myself. I am imperfect.