For many times, we have examined ourselves. Am I good enough? Am I working hard enough? Have I loved enough? It is widely agreeable that we should look within us from time to time for some underlying work of self-improvement to happen. New understanding towards our life that facilitates a twist of fate can only come by after our self-reflection of the inner being. However, our self-examination can be overly critical at times to the extent that we sabotage our amour propre, causing more self-damage that we have never anticipated at the first place.
Perhaps, the most ideal inner-work for strengthening the reins of our heart should start from self-acceptance. Yes, it is as simple as that. This sounds easy but there are many who are struggling to show some mercy towards themselves, despite the ease in channeling their flow of generosity towards the needy.
As an inhabitant of the Earth in this era of competitiveness and globalization, we always look for a benchmark or standard measurement for gauging ourselves in terms of career advancement, sociability, authority and others. This is helpful for knowing where we are standing in the worldly stage. However, this always leads us down the route of an endless pursuit. We are constantly weighing ourselves down as there are skies above skies, and mountains beyond mountains.
Maybe, that’s why such a simple task of self-love has turned into a seemingly impossible mission for us. If we would like to transform ourselves into a better version, it all begins from embracing whatever we have and whoever we are. The greatest metamorphosis in our life doesn’t occur due to our highest attainment of something, but our ability to practice self-acceptance totally.
Having had experienced the tendency to self-harm out of helplessness and depressed feelings, I finally come to better understanding towards the value of self-acceptance along this self-discovery journey, albeit rather bitterly at some points.
Though recovering, I am still fighting some little remnants of depression day-to-day, silencing the outcry to do away with myself within my tumultuous mind. When I am depressed, I give myself a gentle reminder to accept whatever I am feeling at the moment, no matter how disabling it feels like. Instead of suppressing my own depressed feelings, I learn to accept the depressed feelings whole-heartedly. I can talk myself out of depression sometimes, but this is only giving it higher chances to arise out of dormancy due to the rebellious nature of depressed feelings. As I try to get a grip on myself, my soul just can’t spare me some space to contain the depressed feelings anymore, sending them out in an overflow of despair and affliction.
I have made the contrary choice by embracing my depressed feelings and just accepting them as how they are. During bouts of depression, I try to feed my depressed feelings with what they really need. Deep down, I know that my depressed soul longs for trustworthy connections or loving human relationships. Yet, I am afraid of seeking for mental help and social support due to the restriction of our worldly expectations.
How awful I am for allowing my bad mental health to be a source of worries for my family members who love me so deeply!
How bad I am for making people around me to think that they have not loved me sufficiently!
How ungrateful I am compared to billions of people who are struggling to put food on their tables in all corners of the world!
How selfish I am for always being a wet blanket around people when the stress levels among them are already very high!
How cruel I am for sending out suicidal messages to my loved ones, making them to think that they don’t matter to me anymore!
All these restrictive thoughts always make me think twice before opening up about my critical mental health condition to others who can lend me a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. In fact, I should legitimate my suffering. After all, I’m just a human being. It is normal that I am prone to dejection and hopelessness at the darkest sides of my Life tunnel. My depressed feelings are authentic. I become depressed not by choice. However, I know that I can be healed by consistent efforts in choice-making. As I become more accepting of myself (the depressed persona), it is more likely that I have the courage to take my baby steps in seeking for mental help and social support which is remedial for my recovery from self-harm. It’s definitely alright to express the deepest needs of our broken heart at this dilemmatic crossroad of Life. Always believe in the presence of angelic human beings who are out there to absorb our suffering and lessen the mental burden we have been shouldering.
I would like to dedicate this post to Demi Lovato with my heartfelt love ❤