My Master’s convocation was on 22 October 2017. During the convocation season, there were times when I shed my tears or kept my tears brimming in my eyes.
I feel very relieved that I have finally graduated. A heavy weight has been lifted from my heart. I feel freedom and a great sense of satisfaction. I remember crying when I received my UPSR results with flying colours at the age of 12. This is how I feel for my graduation this time. I guess if we have worked very hard and put all our heart and soul in something, we will savour the satisfaction and happiness at the mountain top of achievement. After an uphill climb, we have the best view of the world.
However, it had not been easy to be a Master’s student who worked while doing research. After this journey of struggles, I feel that I have stronger determination now. I learn how to be mindful. During my time as a Master’s student, my heart was clouded with stress, scary deadlines, hopelessness, unworthiness, unhappiness, loneliness, etc. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. There were times when I wanted to end it all. I cried on a weekly basis for bad reasons.
Besides, I was addicted to sugary food and drinks. I was so addicted to food that I spent lots of money on food. Not only that, I was addicted to sleep and cycles of negative thinking. I realise that my addiction starts to ebb away after my graduation. Suddenly, I start to enjoy my life again. It is like moving from the Hell to the Heaven.
My self-confidence has also improved. Previously, I was totally absent from my social media. Now, I am coming back. I was in great distress that I always kept myself hidden, thinking that I was unworthy.
In terms of relationship, I was addicted to an unfruitful friendship which just wouldn’t blossom into a relationship. I always had unrealistic expectations that caused me to be in the deep valley of disappointment and hurt again and again. Maybe I was just feeling empty, thinking that a love relationship could numb the pain. Now that I have graduated, there is less pain and heartache, I don’t need ‘beautiful’ assumptions to numb my pain and loneliness.
Now, I am as free as a bird. I have more time and freedom for myself. And, I love the fact that I am picking up my favourite hobbies again. I love reading, blogging and cooking. I have gained back my life, I feel.
Thank you my family for loving me when I can’t love myself and also people. Your love is unconditional. I can’t find this love elsewhere.