Frankly, I have been crying consistently for at least 9 months. How consistent is it? At least once every week. I guess it must be due to my schizophrenia. This crying season is indeed suffering and tiring. However, I did manage to submit my Master’s dissertation for examination on 3 May. Besides, thankfully, I have managed to juggle between work and study. Every aspect of my life seems to be good and moderately well managed.
A few months ago, my dad bought me a new laptop as the keyboard of my old laptop was spoiled by my tears which dripped into it while I was typing my dissertation and crying. My grandfather, a best friend of mine and an inspiring colleague passed away during the writing of my dissertation. All these events aggravated my crying.
These few days, I have some deep thoughts about my crying habit. Maybe due to the inspiration from a persuasive speech by my student during their presentation week. Her presentation has taught me to look beyond Positive Psychology which preaches us positive thinking in order to have the courage to face our real, inner feelings.
According to her, it seems that it’s okay to feel sad if the sadness is truly from your heart. As it is a feeling all human beings will experience. Nobody can be happy 24 hours per day for one’s whole life. Sometimes, sadness helps us to understand ourselves and discover the changes or decisions we need to make. It is okay to feel sad, especially when we are mourning for the loss of our loved one.
It is actually more risky to force out a smile and hide away from our true sadness. It actually needs more courage to face your sadness than to run away from it. When I feel my sadness and let the tears flow, I feel a kind of heart cleansing. It helps me to understand how I have come to this point of sadness. Of course, I won’t judge my past actions and decisions. Instead, I learn to comfort myself and tell myself that I have tried or done my best. I have learned many valuable lessons on the way. And I have a better idea where to go next. In other words, it helps to widen my perspective and reminds me to look at my life critically in order to set new goals and restrictions. It is sort of Lost of Found.
I have lost myself in sadness and through reflective crying, I have found my true self in order to work my way to be my authentic self. Besides, I have learnt to weigh all the things and people in my life. Now, I sort of know that what matters and what doesn’t. I learn to let go certain things and let God take care of the things I can’t manage with my ordinary power as a normal human being.
Most importantly, I learn to cherish more the things I still have and the people who have been supportive throughout my sadness. It is time to focus on the things and people that make you a happier, stronger person.