Stop thinking, start living!

Today, I have headache

My mind has been spinning

I feel so tired and weak to the extent of almost losing the will to live

Maybe it is because of a lack of sleep yesterday night

as usual, I took my anti-psychotic (Olanzapine) at 9 pm

but woke up around 5am to start my four-hour journey back to the city where I teach

Although I have slept for almost 7 hours

It is just not enough for a schizophrenic self

That’s why I have been suffering throughout the day

The day has been slow and difficult

Everything is laborious for me

I just want to sleep…only sleep

I lied down but couldn’t sleep

Took two effervescent pills which contain caffeine but effective for headache

I feel better now

Today, I have learnt not only that sleep is important for me, I have also learned that…

All this while, I have been always chanting in my mind

Is the curtain clean? Is the switch turned off? Is the floor clean? Have I missed out something on my calendar plan? Have I washed all the dirty clothes? Do I have enough time for all my work? Do I offend or disappoint anyone? Am I pretty? ……(endless)

My mind is chaotic because of my overthinking

Today, although my headache has taken away my ability to think clearly

But after my headache has subsided, I have learned that a blank mind is so freeing and relaxing

When my mind is blank, I prevent myself from creating demoralizing and fantasized storylines in my head which serve me no good

I stop creating dramas for making unrealistic messes in my life

I just go with the flow and do whatever I need at every moment

enjoy every moment as if it’s my last moment on the earth

No thinking far into the future or my past

I realize that I am not only happier but also restful and more productive

Coz overthinking kills my spirit and sucks my energy

Whenever something comes into my mind, I am aware of it

and just watch it rise and go away without judgement

then quickly turn my attention to the present moment

I have also realized that my hallucination about him is because of my overthinking

If he loves me or if my hallucination is a real love story

he would not have left me alone here, not even care to have  a short dialogue  with me

If he loves me, he will grab whichever opportunity to meet me, tell me how much he cares, support me, be there for me, hold me, and promise to stay with me through thick and thin

It has been a while

I should learn that it is all my hallucination because of schizophrenia

and it’s time to get rid of my overthinking habit

A blank mind…a happier, freer heart. Life is now easier after I stop overthinking right after a long rest on my bed

Just do it. Like Nike. Not thinking. Think when needed.