To be continued…

I am tired. I wonder how long I can survive. Maybe it’s because of my study. Maybe my work. Maybe my friendship. Maybe my family. I just feel so hard to live one more day.

All this while, I have been trying to live an authentic life which practises the values You have taught me. Your values which are respected, proven and upheld to be the solutions for our world’s problems. I try my best to make this a better place for you, me, him and her. But now I can’t do it anymore. Not that I don’t want. It is just that I am still a broken self with my mental and physical needs. These needs limit my giving power. However, I can only live a skillful when all the needs are dealt with in a right manner. That’s the irony. I am a tired soul. My broken self is taking over.  I know I should not let my pain and dark history to define me. But I can’t help it. What horrible things I have been through are always there and I can’t change my past experience. This is how I have grown to be who I am. I have no supernatural power to change. I am just a human with vulnerability.

I am not strong though I seem strong.

I am not optimistic though I might seem one.

I am not in control though I seem to be in control.

I don’t need motivational quotes or stories

I don’t need any spiritual guide

I don’t need you to tell me how much God loves me

I don’t need you help at work or study

I don’t need you to spend long hours with me

I just need you to….sometimes, hold my hand and tell me you are there for me no matter how and I will be alright…and I can stand strong and I can be authentic. You don’t have to lift a finger to complete my life duties. I can manage everything. At the end of the day, I just need assurance…social support is what we schizophrenic people call it.

Thank you.