I feel stressed
The deadline is approaching
but I haven’t done much
Three more days
It seems so certain that I will miss the deadline
However, I feel so stressed and tired
That’s why I am writing here to recharge
I have realized some important things from these busy days:
- Being schizophrenic, I always feel anxious without obvious, known reasons. I think the real reason should be the chemical imbalance in my body. No matter how, I just cannot get rid of the mysterious anxiety, despite the intake of anti-psychotic pills.The only way is to live with the anxiety every day, every second. I am learning to attribute my anxiety to good reasons, instead of bad reasons. Instead of thinking that I feel anxious because I will not meet the deadline, I attribute my anxiety to the anxious wait for my graduation day. When I attribute my anxiety due to chemical imbalance to a positive cause, I work more efficiently, instead of preoccupied with possible failures that impede my work progress and persuade me to give up.I might not be able to control my heart, I can try to control my mind. Though my mind runs wild and I lose control of it sometimes…..However, I have more control on my mind. Heart is just too honest. Sometimes, without known reasons, I have heartache. When I was first diagnosed, I told people I might have heart diseases. My psychiatrist told me that my blood pressure was good, my heart was painful as I was sad.
- I need to have a really thick face as a schizophrenic patient. No matter where I am, I always hear mental voices which are depressing, intimidating, hurting and scary. I feel as if everyone is talking bad about me behind my back and laughing sinisterly at me. Nobody likes me, I feel. They treat me well just for some advantages. Maybe for someone to accompany her for lunch. For clearing boredom. For delegating some responsibilities and so on. Except my family members. I didn’t commit suicide only for one reason. My family. That’s why living in the insane world of schizophrenia, I need to forget about my face value. Let the whole world hate me, manipulate me…yet I feel relaxed and easy. I still have my self-worth. I am still confident. I am not afraid of making mistakes. Not afraid of being criticized, scolded, complained…I am still wonderful despite what the whole world thinks of me. My face value is not based on others, but my own ruler of thinking, belief and judgement.
- I learn to listen to my heart in a certain miraculous way.When my heart is sick, I know my heart is asking me to change my thinking. When my thinking is out of control, I listen to the advice of my heart by taking a long sleep with the aid of anti-psychotic pills and wake up with a calmer mind. Then, the process continues. I control my mind which is now not so wild in order to make me carry on with the task and responsibilities in my life despite the aching heart…which is filling my mind with the thoughts that I am just feeling overly anxious to succeed in achieving my dreams…The pain…I make myself dumb towards pain…or the pain of waiting impatiently for the day my dreams will come true?
I am feeling better after writing this. I shall continue writing my dissertation with a heart which is less aching now.