A night when I was so small

I am tired

After this post, I am going to stumble onto my bed

Why?

Many things happened recently

Or shall I say…our life is always bombarded by so many things

so many things that we can’t breathe

It has been a hectic week

Students coming in continuously, asking me to go through their drafts

This was not supposed I should be doing

All other lecturers are not as kind as me

Their students can only come in during their consultation hours

which is different from my case

At first, I felt I have the responsibility to guide them

Now, I realize the opposite

I am doing too much

Previously, when I was a student, I was quite an independent learner

Beginning next trimester, no more checking for drafts, only Q and A session during my consultation hours

Another thing…

Someone who is intruding in people’s marriage

She asked me to help her type a love letter in the form of an SMS for her ‘lover’

I know for sure, I am not going to help her to destroy people’s marriage

Yet, I didn’t say no…as since small, I have never mastered the ability to say ‘no’

I ‘helped’ her, I mean…

I ended up typing a few long SMSes which were in Mandarin but unintelligible and meaningless

All in mandarin but didn’t make sense as a message

Just typing to assure her that I was helping her

When she asked me to reread before sending,

I was just reading from my memory

I felt so relieved when she let me go and I quickly escaped to my room

which is stuffy, but I feel safe

One more thing…

I have been putting in the effort to make things going for us

Now I realize you are getting more important than usual

I stepped closer

a few times…

and I was turned down

It doesn’t feel good to be turned down

Yeah, not your fault

Everything is my illusion

I had fallen so badly due to my illusion

Now again

But, this round, I am more brilliant

Though I fall again this time

The same bad feeling

I know this time…it is a shorter one

not because I care lesser

It is because I am stronger and more defensive

No more illusion

For today onwards

I will stop everything
No more working on building a sandcastle

as it is going to collapse once the sea waves roll in

Everytime I am let down,

I feel useless

Nothing is functioning

I am stuck

and my task scheduled in my timetable gets delayed

I don’t want this to happen

I don’t mind spending time with my happiness to recharge

but I mind spending time to feel worse

I have lots to complete

My supervisor hopes to see me graduating this coming Feb

My HOD hopes to see me presenting at conferences and my publications

I have more than 100 students who depend on me for their study

I need to make a choice

I want a life

I choose life

I should protect myself more

I know it is great to love others

but I shall love only myself

I am so tired

I seem to neglect myself all the times

easily abused

easily controlled

easily ordered

easily gave in

easily hurt

easily believed in

….

No more…

I shall be harsh

Take good care of myself

No more getting hurt for the second time

People are so fake

People are cruel

People are manipulative

People are full of jealousy

I shall look clearly

Who is the evil? Who is the angel?

No more giving chances for them to change

No more…

The first impression will be their forever truth

If something never finds you

he will never forever

That’s it

See the truth

So more covering your eyes with the truth you wanna see

This is the world

It is cruel

You just need to be defensive and ready for any sudden attack

or an attack that is so dangerous that you never realise

I am not being sceptical

I am just protecting myself

Honestly, till today

I still don’t know how to differentiate

but I am improving

will get better

at seeing people’s true colour

Maybe you are not at fault,

but everything about you is just cruel

I am soft hearted

A harsh word from a stranger can make me feel so bad and weak

I need to make a move

today shall pass

tomorrow shall come

The sadness shall pass

The happiness shall be here

Selfish

This seems to be the thing I need to learn

Ignorance

This seems to be the things that will help me to succeed

Well, it’s time for me to be a bad girl

a really bad lovable girl

Treat those who never make you feel important as rubbish

Only welcome those who make you feel important

I am not ego-centric

I have been doing too much in making people feel important when they are with me

That’s the end

No more

I won’t help again

because when I helped, you never appeciated

When I am tied up with things and I says that I can’t help

You get angry

and just turn me down like that

All the help I have extended previously go down into the drain

So, all my help is my responsibility?

So this is so called ‘friendship’?

I have seen your true colour

all the fake sweet words

Tomorrow is a happy day

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