1 Dec that is supposed to be a good start

I felt depressed, worthless, bored, lazy, demotivated, tired…
Thought of hurting myself with a knife

but now I feel better
due to a few reasons

1) If he loves me, he will find whatever ways and use whatever reasons to get the chance to meet me. I shall stop planning and working on our next meeting.

2) If he loves me, he will continue to love me no matter how annoying, stupid, uncommunicative, selfish, ugly, lazy, unhealthy, possessive, unkind, boring, not confident…I am. I trust this fact deeply, because this is how I love him now. Therefore, stop examining myself for faults that make him un-love me.

3) I know I am not a genius like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. I am not Taylor Swift too. I am just an ordinary lady. So, I shall set my bar lower. My overly high self-expectation is killing my happiness and soul. If I expect too much from myself, I will think that the world is not fair. I might think he causes me to have a heartbreak, I lose my interest in life and dream, I cannot achieve what I am supposed to achieve. or…I will think that I am not given enough time and chances to achieve what I am expected to achieve. When I think the world is not fair, I feel like leaving this world by taking my life. If I just accept that I am just an ordinary girl, who is able to achieve an ordinary level of work, I feel better. I feel a sense of peace as the world is fair to me. I don’t feel any anger or dissatisfaction. As long as I work hard, do the best I can, some surprising results will come to me. However, I shouldn’t force myself to the extent that I become depressed and unhealthy.

4) My family is my love and responsibility. I shall stay near to my parents. I love them. I don’t want to feel regrets one day that I don’t take good care of them. Whatever I have is from them. I shall pay them back although I know I will never be able to pay their kindness. Their kindness is incalculable.

5) My prince/love can be found anywhere on this planet. There is a possibility of finding him just everywhere. Therefore, I shall not limit the places I will go to settle down by associating a place with greater chance of getting my man. That’s not right. That’s what I have learnt. Go where you want, don’t let people to lead you where you shall go. Follow your heart. I prefer to stay close to my parents. Money doesn’t matter. We won’t die poor living at where we want.

6) I am very normal and ordinary. However, I can be happy as well. Although I don’t have a bf, husband, child, soulmate…I don’t have a career…no work experience…no money…no clear future…I can be happy now as well. Happiness doesn’t need all those things. I can be happy now and anytime. Happiness is free to pick up.

7) No plan doesn’t mean failure. Over-planning brings stress and unhappiness. Let my life unfold. God is taking good care of my life. It will turn out well. Everything is programmed well by God. I should take over God’s place. I shall just do my part well. My part as an ordinary human being with needs and desires. Uncertainty doesn’t mean failure. Life is full of uncertainties. I just need to learn how to live with them. That’s what makes life interesting.

I feel better. Though 1 Dec is not a good day, I hope tomorrow is a good day.

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