I dread the repetition, yet I can’t let it go

I realize that my obsessive-compulsive disorder is getting serious
This mental disorder is closely linked to schizophrenia
Schizophrenia is really challenging
as it has brought me OCD and IBS

Recently I always jot down my tasks
and go over the task list again and again
Not sure it is up to 10 times per day
Revise the list and read all over again and again
The repetition is getting more and more compared to last time

Whenever after I use the toilet
I wash my hands many times with handwash?
No…this is not my case
I will scan the toilet for strands of hair
Scan the bath tub, floor, toilet bowl, sink for hair to pick up
If there is hair, I will spray away the hair with water sprayer or…pick up manually
After this whole process finishes, I will check if the water taps are tight with no water dripping
I will check if I have flushed the toilet bowl and sink clean
Make sure I turn off the water heater and toilet lamp
No…this doesn’t end here
The process repeats again and again
before I move away from the toilet and go ahead with my life

When reading my journals
I am always stuck at the first page
Once I read till almost half page
I reread from the beginning
Then, before I reach the second page
I reread
Eventhough I understand
I reread again and again
before I go to the next page
I am always slow in reading

In the kitchen,
after cooking or making a drink
I make sure that the dining table is wiped clean…
The stove and kitchen table as well… even though I am just making a drink
And the sink must be clean without traces of food or drink
The plug for water boiler must be turned off
Everything is kept at the right place
No dry plates/pots/spoons/fork in the dish dryer
Make sure the kettle is full of drinking water
make sure I have turned off the stove even though I didn’t turn it on
Make sure the nearby washing machine is turned off even though I never turn it on
Then I move out of the kitchen to do other stuff
no..no…before I leave the kitchen, I repeat the process again

That’s my life now
Weird?
I feel tired
and frustrated
as this holds me back from being fast and productive
Being meticulous in this great degree is mentally challenging
But I can’t help
but keep repeating

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