The non-existent voices

I always hear voices
They are laughing at me
ridiculing me
I thought they are from people around me

Walking in a restaurant
I heard the guy holding the door for me said, ‘You let me hold the door and let you in first. You are impolite.”
The waitress walked past. I heard she said, “What a bad fashion sense you have!”
The diners at the table said, “Why are you looking at us? We need our privacy. Intruder!”
My dinner mates said, “Vegetarian? So troublesome! She is so boring.”
Another customer walked in, finding no place to sit. I heard he said, ” Why is she eating so slow? Can’t she see that I am waiting for her to give me the place to sit? Selfish girl.”

“Why she never pays the bill? She is so stingy.”
“Why is she so warm-hearted? So fake.”
“Why is she so busybody? I can manage on my own.”
“You are a cheap girl. You are no different from me.”
“You are going to fail. You are incapable.”
‘You are ugly.”
“You are disgusting.”

“Your hair is ugly.”
“You are stupid.”

but today I realize they are from my head
my insane head, not from the people.

I have watched the simulation video on schizophrenia by CNN.
I realize this is one of the symptoms of my present illness

More importantly, I realize that the voices in my head are just my perceptions, instead of real opinions from people around me

I have failed to differentiate negative self-perspective from negative feedback from others
I have mixed up
My negative self-perspective can be unreal
It can be just my creation in my mind, instead of something valid in this world

Those people never think negatively of me
I am so insignificant
How would they care to evaluate me?
There are so many people here
Why would they have the time to focus on me?
They never care to form an opinion of me
Everyone is so busy

I have frightened myself
by making me feel like an actress on the stage all the times for evaluation

I can’t turn off the voices by using just my own intention
It needs training
but I am glad I have found this
and am aware of this

Next time, when I hear voices
I should start to question it
question whether the voice is a real opinion by someone
or just my illusion

That’s why I am always a bit nervous in a big group
The bigger the group, the louder the voices

I am not confident enough to choose to ignore negative feedback from people
but to be more confident
I should stop suspecting myself too much
and believe more in myself
Instead of feeling inferior around people
eventhough when I am good in the fact
When I am no longer too inferior
I shall learn the next step to cut off negativity from negative feedback
For now, the crucial thing is being awake instead of creating non-existent negative feedback

I always subject myself to negative judgement
eventhough the judgement is not accurate but my illusion
My self-demand is just too high and unhealthy

I am aware
I shall be more vigilant when the voices come
Turn off the voices
so that I can enjoy the tea, the cute people, the nice atmosphere
No more suspicion
I shall take a leap in faith
and believe everything is alright

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