Love is a two way street

My childhood was spent with fairy tales
I have grown up finding a Prince Charming
My dad fits the perfect picture of my Prince Charming

I have lived my life fulfilling my dad’s expectations
Expectations of me being wonderful
I have been trying to appear lovable and loving to my dad
in order to keep our relationship running
This conditions my dealing style with the men I have met

I put myself second to the man I think I love
My dreams, career, interests and everything is secondary
All the things related to the man I love come first
I change myself totally to adapt to him
I  think it’s okay to be blind
as he will be my guardian angel

I treat him as a little boy
I give him love by mothering him
I help him to do things that he can learn to do by himself
I make him feel dependent on me
and can’t live without me

Sometimes,
I acts like a little girl
I act confused
I create one crisis over another
I let go of my decision power and responsibility for problem solving
I let him be the king and help me to decide and act

I lose my dignity as a woman
He controls my life entirely

I like to blank-fill our relationship
I plan our vacation,
weekend activities,
future,
topics of discussion
philosophical discussion
I row our boat by myself
I initiate our sexual interaction
I never give him the chance to learn to make our relationship work

 I am used to be loving and nurturing as a mother

Relationship building is what I am professional at
I love to fill the gap in conversations
I love to add spices to our relationship
I love to turn separation into unity
I love to turn disagreement into harmony

Sometimes, I feels sad as I feel I love you more than I do
I cry
as I am sad and angry
but I never show my anger but only my tears
Even though when it is your fault
I give in and be the first to apologize and try to make up
so you never realize your mistakes and keep repeating it

I lose my self-respect
you lose the idea of what I need from you

I think you can give me more if I love you so much
but I fail miserably
You tell me you are sick of  me
You are fed off with the person who has lost her creativity
You are not attracted to the person who always humiliates herself
and never shows her magnificence in career, problem solving and everything
You are not interested in a woman who hides her capability
in order to make you feel and appear superior

Now, I realise
love is not to be chased
love has to be two-way
love is give and take
love is self-respect and self-expression
love is to maintain your dignity
love is mutual growth

you can support but not to take over his things
you can love but not one-sided
you can love a person as he is
not to love his potential
both of you are not teacher and student
but soul mates

If only his potential makes you love him
you love the imaginary him
not the person right in front of you
you will feel regret when he never fulfills your expectation

love is honesty
be the real you in front of him
be it the pretty or the ugly side
if not, your life will be like a roller coastal
depending to praises and approval to get sunlight of joy

be a rich entity which can give a lot
yet receive a lot to maintain richness
if he cannot give you
leave him
he is not compatible

stop making he feels lovable
stop making him misunderstand himself that he has found his love
he should know that he only loves the things you give him
not you
if he never loves you

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