I am graduating!

My mood is not good. It can be sensed through my diet. I finished a whole pack of Kimchi flavoured Tao Kae Noi seeweed and a whole bottle of concentrated home-cooked Ribena. Hope my formal shirt won’t be too difficult for me on the day of convocation. It has been very tight for me.

My convocation is coming. Hey friends, hope to see you all there!

It is going to be the most important day in my life. The day I am going to receive my first class honours degree scroll. It is sort of an amazing ending for my student’s life. (although I am thinking of Master in Psychology)

When I look back at my life that has been accompanied with schizophrenia all this while, I feel I should pat myself at the back.

A few suicidal thoughts on the way…during the preparation for English Language Society Word Fair…self-hurting attempts…while preparing for Malaysian Literature in English final…while being asked to help by someone eventhough I had troubles helping myself…while feeling disappointed about love…standing at the balcony of an apartment, thinking of committing suicide…thinking of carving his name on my hand…hit my hand with a tv remote controller…put my hand on a kitchen table and use a knife to stab on the finger spaces at the fastest rate I could…peeing in a plastic bag in my room as I was afraid of talking to someone eventhough it was just for borrowing her toilet…talked to a lady at Danish House and couldn’t recognise her at all after that eventhough all happened in one day…banged my room’s wall and table…saying foul words while talking to mum on the phone…crying when someone is around or not around…became feverish because of a broken relationship…Felt extremely drowsy in the same 8am class every week because of antipsychotic…Mr. Paul couldn’t help me…took a nap in almost every class conducted by Miss Joanna due to sleepiness caused by my medication…went for counselling sessions with Miss Wai Yoon…gained back my slim figure during primary school years after a heartbreak( I was a fat lady) …  cried when moving into a new hostel from the old one…

Somehow I make it and I am graduating with first class honours degree! I still remember the time when I said I had decided to stop schooling.(Thanks mum for persuading me to persevere.) It was after PMR. If I had stop schooling, I won’t be able to make it to the coming convo on this Sunday.

Professionals say it is lifelong. I see it as a pair of special human wings that others don’t have. It is tough. However, if I can succeed eventhough with schizophrenia, I can gain greater applause and admiration compared with a mentally healthy person. It is something that can be used to inspire people if managed in a good way.

I have tackled my study. Now, it is for my career. Some struggles with my first job. Conflicts with my parents. (They have no conflicts, I am the one! Haha…) I am short-tempered. Binge eating. Crying. Sleepless nights…

I has been extremely imperfect, especially with my bad temper and tendency to isolate myself. Thanks to my parents who have spent lots of money, time and spirit for my sickness. Thanks to those who never see me in a different light because of my mental health. Thanks to friends who accept and tolerate me. Thanks to my psychiatrist who always put me in the first place and never forgets me.Thanks to those who give me love.

It is hard and tired but I know I am going to make it for my career, just like my study. If I was not defeated, I am stronger now. Who says schizophrenia patient cannot succeed? Success doesn’t choose people, people choose success. Make a choice, take a break and keep going.

If I am successful, it will be a great testimony for all schizophrenia patients.

Well, enough for now. See you at my convo! It is going to be my most colourful moment, out of my hardwork and perseverance. I remember crying at my bro’s convo. I just love the atmosphere of convocation and now it’s my turn.:) Looking forwards…

I am going to take a relaxing nap to recharge myself and keep working! Bye for now…

4 thoughts on “I am graduating!

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